Saturday, April 23, 2011

the inbetween

When I start a new project for someone I go through a gamut of emotions.  This sounds really weird, but initially it starts with panic.  Panic that someone is going to pay me to paint something special.  And it's always special.  It's usually a gift.  So that adds to the pressure.  And it's always a surprise...geesh!  I can't help myself, but I always feel scared.  Always! 

I get my blank canvas out and start with the background.  It never looks good in the beginning.  But I push on...hoping, praying that the globs of paint will somehow amount to something beautiful in the end.  I always pray over my paintings and listen to worship music.  It really helps to calm my anxious heart and focus on the task at hand.

Somewhere during the process the details start to take shape and then it finally becomes something.  Oddly enough it's not until the end that any of it makes sense.  And that's what drives me crazy.  I want to see the end before I begin.  I want the reassurance that it's going to be great.  I don't want to just have faith.  Faith is scary.  You're stepping out into the unknown.  It feels risky to just trust the process.

I can tell you with everything in me that I have never been disappointed.  God has always met me in the in between.  He always shows up to guide my take my make whatever it is beautiful. 

So when will the doubt stop?  When will I learn to let go and not panic?  I wish I could say that every experience brings me closer to that glorious realization, but it doesn't.  Every time the process starts all over and I go through the emotions again.  I'm so glad He's patient with me:)

My latest project was special indeed.  This painting was for a missionary family.  God placed a burden on their hearts for prostitutes in the area they live and they're opening their home to help them heal and become whole.  What an honor to have my work be apart of something so amazing!

Have a blessed day.

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