Friday, August 27, 2010

I don't buy it!

The other night a few of my friends came over to celebrate Missy's 40th birthday.   As I'm sitting there listening to everyone talk and's dawning on me that we are at a turning point.  It seems that 40 is the beginning of a new chapter.  The 30's are full of family.  We are childrearing and figuring out who we are in our 30's, and then 40 hits and we are more or less THERE.  Our little ones aren't quite so needy, there's more time for friends etc..and we more or less know who we are. 

But I've also noticed a shift with marriages.  Seems that everywhere I look lately couples are throwing in the towel and calling it quits.  My friend Brigetta just shared an article that her friend Laura Munson wrote for the New York Times that shook me to the core.  It's based on her life.  Apparently one day her husband came home and told her he didn't love her anymore and that he was leaving and that the kids would be happy because he would be happy.  In a nutshell she told him she "didn't buy it" and just continued on and more or less ignored his outburst.  It is THE BEST thought provoking article and I really encourage you to read it. 

Obviously every marriage situation is different.  I haven't walked in any of your shoes, so please don't feel I am judging those of you who have been divorced.  But as we enter this next phase of our lives...where marriages seem to dissolve left and right it's good to be prepared and to fight for what I believe is the most important relationship we can have.  Just something to think about.

Have a blessed day.

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  1. lets hear it for our 40's & all the wisdom we now have, right!
    LOVE this picture of you and your girlfriends!
    everyone is so cute!!
    i love that you shared this encouragement today. i love that about YOU

  2. Wow, that article is powerful. Thanks for sharing.

  3. What an awesome story. Geez, this woman needs to be a therapist. Great approach and great results. Thanks for sharing.
    (Our 40th wedding anniversary is in a couple of weeks)

  4. I really want to read that article...I need to make the time.

    My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years (anniversary in October) and I am always surprised when folks tell me they can't believe that we've been married that long (b/c they are on their 2nd, sometimes 3rd marriage).

    My husband and I find ourselves in a different position than you and your girlfriends. Due to infertility, we are just now raising our children. Does this mean that divorce will be more of a possibility in our 50s? Or will the almost-11 years together (childless) be the glue that binds us together forever?

    Regardless, marriage takes commitment...a commitment to love and honor each other during the easy and hard times, but especially during the "boring" times. Life can't be a carnival every day!

    Thanks for the thought-provoking post!


  5. That is an amazing story. I hope many people will read and share it. (I will) Thank you for doing that for us!!

  6. Hey Becky!
    Wow, what a powerful statement she makes with this article and this approach.

    It takes guts and internal fortitude to do what she did...I'm not sure I'm made of the same stuff, but it's certainly something to aspire to!


  7. Wow! I don't know that I would have the strength she did.

    I find that even at the age I am at (20's) I have friends that are already calling it quits. It just amazes me that you can really decide it wasn't right after two years- some of these people dated for 5 or 6 years before marriage. I think that the 20's are just realizing it takes too much work. When I got married- the mindset is for the rest of our lives! It's really sad to see 25 year olds that are divorced with 2 kids.

  8. you know that i'm all in with this one! glad you shared it. You four girls are knock outs!

  9. Amen Becky!1 I truly grieve for women in these situations. My heart hurts. I just wroite about my 10 yr anniversary on my blog yesterday!

  10. Oh wow....what an amazing woman. Our first reaction as women is to be emotional. My mother always taught me that men think and act differently then us and we need to remember that.
    When she said at Thanksgiving: "My husband bowed his head humbly and said, “I’m thankful for my family.” I lost it....had to take a moment to stop my tears. My heart was deeply moved.
    Thanks for the amazing post :D

    ps - I totally agree with Lissa - You girls are hotties ;)

  11. i'm going to go read the article! we must fight for our marriage. i'm a product of divorce and it was heartbreaking. i am so impressed with her being able to stay calm and not be guided by her emotions. what a testimony.

  12. I am in my mid-40's and love it. So sad about divorce at this time of heart breaks for anyone that has to suffer through it.

  13. Something turned in my when I hit 40 last year... i felt peaceful, and for me with age has come a deeper, better, amazing relationship with my husband. I thought it was great before but we've entered a whole new level now that our children are not as needy. Thanks for the article to read... i'm off to read it.

  14. I still have 3 years to 40 (I am not counting and I look forward to it. I would love to say I have never been through a divorce, but sadly that is not the case. I do know I tried in every way to keep my family the end it was best for the kids and I to not be in a dangerous situation. Our lives luckily have been blessed in the marriage I have now. We are going on 11 years with a blended family (2 from my first and 1 from his) and 2 more we added. He adopted mine in 2003 and to them, that is their dad. The one thing my husband and I learned from our first marriages...know who you are...we tell our kids all the time to experience life and know themselves before they marry. It was a hard and painful experience for both of us, but things happen for a reason. It has only made us stronger and understanding the importance of working hard in the marriage we have. Marriage is a blessing and I am grateful for the life I have now.


  15. Thanks for posting this!Great article! I think many people are facing this~ especially these days.

  16. Everyone has a story. And I think people should always be called out on the lies they tell themselves. The problems with those lies (and I have written blogs about this) is that they have have to sell themself on them first. They have to sell themself so that they believe it, then they can sell it to someone else. Then their lie is the truth. Even though it really isn't. So... that wife knew her husband well enough to know that he had sold himself a bridge in Kansas and she said so. Then she began the process of unraveling his "truth," so that he could see that he had bought a bridge over dry land. Not an easy task.

    The worst lies are always the ones we sell ourselves on. Because after that unraveling of the lie... well, then you get to the real work. Why did he sell himself on something that wasn't true in the first place? And, THAT is what the real problem is. He didn't want to talk about it or he wouldn't have sold himself on the lie. However, he just found out that he had someone who loved him enough to sort though all of that crap he sold himself, so... she is in it for the long haul and is already prepared to sort through more crap.

    Sorting through crap. That's love.

    P.S. I didn't proofread. There are probably typos, if not totally lost words. Sorry.

  17. WOW!! That story is crazy-amazing. Thanks for sharing that with us.

    I'm only in my late 30's and I know how hard marriage/relationships are and can be from time to time. I've only been married for five...

    It's really funny to me when some people looking on will say they believe we have it all together; we're so mature. My hubby and I were just talking about this last night. It's humbling to know what other's think - when we know and live out the truth. It's hard.... BUT, oh so worth fighting for.

    Again, thanks for sharing. I may have to pass this on...

  18. Awsome post, totally agree. Thanks again for putting yourself out there and posting on your heart!
    Been thinking about Little Chick lately,
    how is she doing? Any better since her weight concern arose? I have been praying for her and YOU! Have a great weekend!

  19. I have been thru a similar situation with my husband. He divorced me. He too has his fictional "truth". I want to forgive him. But how will I ever forgive him for the pain he has caused our children ?

  20. I will be turning 44 in a few days...and I have to say, I wouldn't want to be 24 again. My 30s and 40s have brought me the best parts of my life { a few of the worst, too}; overall, happy years. My husband & I have been married almost 17 years...we're in it for the long haul:) Besides, we have a pact: whoever leaves has to take the kids!

  21. A few weeks ago I read this in our news Paper...

    Getting married is not about your wedding day, no matter how deeply moving it may be. It’s about the next day & the one after that, & a lifetime of those days. In each one you get up & decide to be married again, not when it’s easy & beautiful & fun, but when it’s hard & ugly & sucks. You fight for the relationship not... because you don’t want to end up divorced, but because you want to end up married: WES CRENSHAW

    It spoke to me HUGE and now I have it BURNED in my head.
    sometimes "we" need space to just "BE".

    I LOVE your blog!


  22. Amen!!! What a powerful article! Thanks for sharing!
    Have a great weekend!
    Many Blessings!

  23. It's really sad. We live in a disposable world, including marriages. My husband, before we were married, said he believed divorce shouldn't be an option. We've had a few rough times and I believe that attitude has helped. If you make it an option, it will be.

    That being said, I do believe there are situations that are exceptions....

    For the record, I like my 40's a lot more than my 30's....

  24. Hi Becky! Just a couple of things -

    1: I am knocking on the back door of 60, and so far, my 40's were my very best decade of the 6 I've lived through! The 40's ROCK!!!

    2: Before my husband and I married we talked about EVERYTHING! And one thing we agreed on totally was that that word, you know, the D word, was not in our vocabulary - tear it out of all the dictionaries, because that just was NOT an option! Now, bear in mind, I was 33 and he was almost 33 when we married, so we kind of knew what was important by then, but making the decision, and declaring that the D word wasn't in our vocabulary was one of the best decisions we ever made. Of course we've had problems, but we've worked very hard together to work them out. Now we've been married over 25 years and we are still in love, committed to our marriage, and bestest of friends.

    Anything worth having is worth working for! Great post, Becky G.

  25. Becky, GREAT
    My hubby's friend
    was just served
    divorce papers ~
    out of the blue ~
    and they have two
    little ones at
    home. He is just
    devastated! And,
    it throws our own
    world off a bit; when
    you know a couple who've
    been married for 15 years
    and that you think
    of as "them" is now
    different..."him" and
    "her" and "theirs" it
    is very, very strange.
    You and your friends
    are darling and will
    all certainly ROCK
    the 40's!!
    xx Suzanne

  26. What a beautiful post and lovely blog. Am I glad you commented today so then I was able to find you!

    Can't wait to read that article. At 37...I can so relate.


  27. Well said Becky and I applaud your honesty. The 40's are a wonderful time in your life no matter how many years you have been together or married. We have had some trying times but we always come back to the love ~ a relationship is hard work and it's all about your foundation.
    Have a wonderful week-end sweetie! xo

  28. Thanks Becky! Thanks so much for sharing the link to that article. I am staring 40 in the face, 18 months to go. I'm not really looking forward to it. I think this article speaks to me and makes me see that I put my unhappiness and midlife stuff onto other people and things instead of taking a good hard look and doing something about what's going on in the inside of me.
    I really enjoy following you and look forward to your posts. Thanks for being such a great writer and speaking to the people! xx

  29. Wow an awesome article!!!So many of my friends are and have gone through divorce, we are in our 40s it is hard to watch,thanx for this wonderful post and the wonderful article:O)

  30. I just finished reading Laura Munson's book and I highly recommend it. I believe she is a real inspiration for those struggling in their marriage and I also think she goes even deeper than that in the book. She reminds us the real meaning of happiness and the one place we can find it. She definitely shares an amazing and moving story.

  31. I find this article refreshing. I've been married 37 years and we've had several mid life crisis, but working through issues is what a strong marriage is made of. I'm so glad I didn't throw in the towel. Thanks for sharing this article.

  32. What a great post! Most people forget that it is called a commitment and that we take a vow on our weddding day. You were spot on. Thank you...

  33. Becky! Thanks for sharing my essay on your blog! Brigetta is a great new friend and we're glad to have her here in MT. Not sure if she mentioned to you that the essay is a short version of a memoir I wrote which just came out in April. It's called: THIS IS NOT THE STORY YOU THINK IT IS, and I want it to help people know that crisis doesn't have to take you down. Here's the Amazon link:

    And here's more info about the whole crazy ride on my website:

    yrs. Laura

  34. I have a friend and his parents divorced after forty years of marriage! Made me so sad. I looking forward to reading the article.

    I am celebrating my 34th next week :-}

  35. Sounds like there's lots to look forward to in the 40's. I'll have to go read that marriage article.

  36. Such a beautiful, beautiful post :)

    Have a happy day.

    K xx

  37. girls rock 40's!! You are all so gorgeous! I am rounding the bend to 40 and am actually looking forward to it:)
    Each decade I get a little wiser and more self I say bring on the 40's!!
    So far...all of our friends and ourselves are all happily married...I can't imagine going through any of that! With myself or with our close friends.
    I think it's all about staying close and communicating with each other.

  38. Hi Becky,
    Great article! You and your friends are so cute...and my 40's were a total delight. :-) You always photograph so beautifully too.

    I'm certainly not a relationship guru, however, I believe in making time for each other. With kids, their activities, jobs, households to run, etc., sometimes couples just fall into a pattern of day to day "to do's". Definitely schedule a date night weekly!! Whether you go out for a nice evening, a movie or just coffee or a drink ~ do it. Also, take vacations away from kids & other family members. Makes a world of difference when you focus on each other rather than all the "stuff". Ok, that's my suggestion for the day! :-)

    I love your blog. Hoping you have a great weekend ~


  39. Becky- This is so true. I turn 38 tomorrow and there is this feeling of finally being a grown up. I don't know why. Thanks for giving Laura and I some love. You are the best. XO- Brigetta

  40. I understand what you were meaning with this and yes very the pictures with your girlfriends

  41. I don't buy it either (most of the time) My hubby and I have been married for 14 years, 12 of them being happily. He is 42 and I am approaching my 40's. Marriage isn't easy and you have to work at it. My ex sister in law left my brother because she decided one day that after three kids and 15 years of marriage she didn't love him and never had, that she only got married because her friends were. She didn't even want to work on it and that it is a cop out! She is miserable now and what makes it even worse for her is that my brother has moved on. The grass is never greener on the other side and unfortunetly is usually too late when you find that out!
    Good for you for posting this! I will have to read the article now. You are your girlfriends are gorgeous!!!!

  42. Great post... New subscriber from Saturday Spotlight Blog Hop.


  43. This is why we need to keep God the center of marriage because it is hard, but a wonderful commitment! Thanks for sharing and the encouragement. Beautiful picture with your friends!

  44. First of all I want to say, you look wonderful to be 40. I am 42 and I have to agree with all that you say about being 40. As for marriage, I was married for 12 years with 2 kids and did everything I could to keep it together even though he cheated several times. Still today, I wish we could of taken a different way.

  45. I love your blog and this very thought provoking post. I'm 36 not quite in my 40's my husband have definitely had our ups and downs but I feel in the last 3 years we have built a solid in it for the all relationship and I really hope it stays that way. We have 3 beautiful kids!

    Following from Spotlight Saturday!


  46. What a beautiful bunch of women you all are in your photo. And if your friends have a heart like you Becky then they are beautiful inside and out.

    I have found out that any age or season holds it's own wonderful times. What I've enjoyed about growing older is the "learning to love who God made me to be" gets better and more clear. What I've disliked is grieving through those I've lost in this life, but even that brings me closer to the Lord who comforts like no other.

  47. I'm always here, Love. Even when I'm quiet. :) I read this 2 nights ago and told a dear friend (I'm at my old stomping grounds this weekend) all about it. She needed to hear it. Thanks for sharing.

  48. Cheers to all of you U Rock! I hear you all the way........I am in my 40's love them and have been married for 20 years and we are very comfortable with our relationship at this point.Though it does take work to have a happy marriage and it isn't always happy.I live by the golden rule.Choose your love and love your choice.
    There are times though that it's a must to move on and start over and that's o.k too! That's the right choice for you.People change and it's hard for whom is left behind.Great Post.~Cheers Kim

  49. Went and read the article powerful words, and something that took a lot of courage. Thanks for sharing. Jackie

  50. TOTALLY agree. Our marriages are worth fighting for. I can relate to your ideas on the 30's and 40's too... I'm just entering my 30's, and YES, I feel like all I'm doing is trying to establish our family and taking care of children. It's exhausting! And kind of a lot of pressure. Even though I want more kids, I look forward to the day when I have more time for a social life. And more time for my husband, 'cause we're staying together!


Thanks for taking a minute to share your thoughts. I love hearing what YOU have to say:)


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